TWO- Validation
I have a negative reaction to the word "VALIDATION" because my mind goes straight to "condone" but they are two very different things. Helping a child to feel validated doesn't mean I am telling them that their poor behavior is just fine by me.
In his book Between Parent and Child Dr. Haim G. Ginott says that, "Parents want to know if the methods advocated in this
book are strict or permissive regarding how they relate to
discipline. They are strict when dealing with children’s misbehavior. But all feelings, wishes, desires, and fantasies are
permissible, be they positive, negative, or ambivalent. Like
all of us, children cannot help how they feel. At some time
they feel greed, lust, guilt, anger, fear, sadness, delight, and disgust. While they cannot choose their emotions, they are
responsible for how and when they express them."
This is the validation I can get behind. All feelings are permissible but not all actions are.
This is my third baby, he has social anxiety. He isn't just shy or need a little time, he is strongly affected by new people and places. When I sent him to preschool he didn't talk for the first six months and barely at all the next year. In kindergarten he would do what his teacher asked but if a parent volunteer came he couldn't work with them. First grade was horrific. So many tears, mine and his, and a lot of bad mornings. I was the mom pulling a crying child off her body and leaving them at the classroom terrified. I was at a complete loss of what to do for this boy, I wanted him to learn to go to school and other things he didn't like to do, but he was only five. What was I going to do? After two other kids you would think I had some ideas but I was at a loss. I ended up at the pediatricians office. I love our doctor, he gave me resources, information and an open invitation to make a follow up appointment. He explained that anxiety is normal and we didn't need to get him to a therapist or on medication unless it was affecting his learning. We decided to try some new things and see how it went. The first thing I did was make sure to spend time with him one on one every day. I needed to reinforce that I loved him and would take care of him even when I made him go to school. Second, I met with his teacher and talked to her about what was happening so she would know he wasn't defiant or disobedient. This darling teacher struggled with anxiety herself and treated our little one with patience and love. Third, I started reading. The book that helped me the most was "The child Whisperer." by Carol Tuttle. It taught me that my son has a different personality than I do and that his social anxiety amplified parts of that personality. I needed to parent this child different than I had the first two, he needs different things and that is perfectly normal. I didn't need to mold him to be like me or to help him never have struggles, I needed to sympathize with him and validate how he was feeling. Once I understood my little guy, changed my expectations to realistic ones and parented him more effectively he started to improve. You would never know now how much he struggled.
I learned through this process that even when I don't understand my child's feelings that doesn't mean they shouldn't feel that way. If I think they are over reacting that is how I feel about it and not how they feel about it. Feelings are individual and not based on what I would feel in the same situation. Where my part as a parent is most important is validating those emotions and the guiding my children to have appropriate behavior no matter what they are feeling.
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman teach parents that children should be encouraged to have and talk about their emotions. This video is a great overview to what emotional coaching is and the importance of validating emotions and the benefits to children who are emotionally intelligent.
I am grateful for what I have learned and continue to learn about emotions. It helps me as a person and it helps me as a parent. We all need validation. Positive and appropriate validation of our children and their emotions helps them in the long term to be emotionally healthy people. My boys often come to me with complaints. They see something as not fair or right and need me to do something about it. Most of the time there isn't anything I can do, or should do. When I let them know I hear them, I am sorry for how they feel and that I am trying to understand the conversation goes a thousand times better. Often I will ask them with what they have told me is there anything they need me to do and the answer is often to just listen.
References
Dollard, C. (2018, July 6). Emotional Intelligence
Will Help You- And Everyone Around You. Retrieved from The Gottman
Relationship Blog:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-intelligence-help-you-everyone-around-you/
Steinberg, L. (2005). 10 Basic Principles of Good
Parenting. Simon & Schuster.
Tuttle, C. (2019, 12 12). The Child Whistperer
Infographic. Retrieved from The Child Whisperer: https://cw.liveyourtruth.com/the-child-whisperer-infographic/
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