ONE- Discipline

"Take a deep breath" is a phrase I often use with my children when they are starting to lose control but rarely do I remember to take those breaths myself before disciplining them. What can I possibly say when we both feel like this ↓ that will help the situation?

In the book by Dr. Laurence Steinberg "The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting" I was reminded what good disciplining looks like. First he reminds us that physical punishment is never acceptable. He says "Never spank, hit, slap, or otherwise physically punish your child. The link between physical punishment and children's aggression has been scientifically documented in hundreds, if not thousands, of research studies. Physical punishment is bad for children." This seems easy and clear but I remember thinking that is was okay to spank and child who was in danger, or slap a hand that wouldn't stop touching. Even those punishments aren't helpful or effective to discipline. There are better ways.

I told my 14 year old yesterday, (the day before, last week, last month and probably tomorrow) that no matter what your brother is doing to bother you, you never have the right to physically hurt him, in any way. This is a concept I am pushing very hard right now in my home. Self control over our actions includes keeping your hands to yourself. I am no different than my son, my level of self control includes no physical punishments. Dr Steinberg tells us that "No matter how angry you are. No matter what your child has done. No matter how frustrated, annoyed, desperate, or fed up you are. In the long run, when you use physical punishment, you are creating more problems than you are solving." I agree.

My children are growing up, the baby above is now eight and I still see that same crying face way too often. I am disciplining someone every single day. I need to learn how to discipline more effectively. Dr. Steinberg has two ideas that I think would work well for me and are good reminders of how to talk to your children when they misbehave.

First, he says that telling your child you are disappointed in them will only have an effect if they care about what you think. The meaner and nastier you are to your child the less they will care about what you have to say. With that in mind we need to let our children know how much we value them, enjoy spending time with them, and create a positive emotional connection with them. That is the foundation to be able to discipline effectively.

Second, the words that we say and how we say them are very important. The tone of voice we use is often remembered more that the words we say. Being calm while delivering a message with help get the substance of what you want to say across much better. We want our children to focus on what we are saying and not how we are saying it. If we have the right tone then the words we say are clear. Those words should be focused on the action and behavior not the child. Dr. Steinberg says that there is a difference between saying "That was a terrible thing to do" and "You are a terrible child."

For me the key is to take a second to calm down, In the heat of the moment I am not a mom, I am a tired person who is being worn down by the complaining and fighting surrounding me. Without thought I will respond to my children like a child. Thinking through what I am going to say and making sure to follow Dr. Steinberg's suggestions takes practice. It is a good thing then that my boys help my to practice multiple times a day.

When a consequence is needed and not just a verbal reminder we are getting past the ages when a "time-out" works. I still need to separate them at times, or put a child in their room to calm down but I don't think calling it a time out is helpful. It makes them feel little and that I am treating them like toddlers. I need some updated ideas. I am a fan of natural consequences. You made the mess, you clean it up but there isn't always that clear of an answer. Dr. Haim G Ginott said something that resonated with me in his book "Between Parent and Child." He teaches that "Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing. Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance. External pressure only invites defiance. Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children’s points of view and involve them in solving a problem." I think this idea also works with consequences. My boys know with a look that I saw them misbehaving. My children are old enough to come up with this stuff on their own and with my support can problem solve a lot more of the issues in our house that I seem to fix over and over again to no avail. No one likes being told what to do.

With these suggestions I hope that I can change how I talk to my boys and their level of involvement in the disciplining process. Now all I have to do is remember to breathe.

References

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (1965, revised 2003). Between Parent and Child. Harmony.

Steinberg, L. (2005). 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. Simon & Schuster.