THREE- Praise

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Don't tell anyone but, there was a time for a short while when I didn't like my child.

He was demanding, defiant, difficult and darn hard to parent.

I had four very small children and the oldest was going to be the death of me.


I felt horrible and so I prayed. What could I do with what little time and energy I had to help this child of mine and myself survive. The answer came during a Relief Society lesson. The teacher had a grown daughter who was very difficult during her teen aged years. This sister had asked her daughter if she knew, during that hard time, that she was loved. The daughter responded that she knew it in her head but she didn't feel it in her heart. That was my answer. I needed to show my boy, in a way he would understand, that I loved him no matter what. I knew that if I could show him that love our relationship could change. He was little so lots of snuggles, reading together, taking him on errands, talking together, and listening to his endless stories and praising him became my focus. I started to see a difference, showing him my love reminded me of how much I love him. The positive attention and praise he received from an overwhelmed mom made a difference. Our relationship started to mend.


This challenging little one is now a challenging teen but he is also the child that tells me the most that he loves me. Randomly throughout the day he expresses his love for me and I always tell him in return,  "I love you, always, no matter what."

With older children snuggles aren't going to cut it when it comes to giving them and showing them love. One place where I can do better is how and when I give praise. Praising children is more than just a good job here and there. Praise can have an amazing impact when done right.


I learned from class about a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset is when you believe that there are somethings you are good at and somethings you aren't and that is that. A growth mindset means you believe that your brain can change, that you can learn and get smarter with effort and work. Having a growth mindset is a huge advantage in education. Children who have a growth mindset are willing to put in the work and time to learn things that are hard for them initially to do. Teaching a child about growth mindset is an important step but learning to praise a child for their efforts and not natural talent can lead to even a better understanding of how the growth mindset works in their lives.

Dr. Carol Dweck has been studying growth mindset for over thirty years and the results are amazing.


My youngest child needed some extra help to read on grade level. Reading isn't easy for him. He has to work hard to read on a level that was easy for all his older brothers. After learning about growth mindset I was so grateful that we were naturally praising his efforts and his hard work and not just his ability to read. We talked about doing hard things, working longer than you want to, knowing that even if you don't see it now there will be a difference soon. My son is starting to enjoy reading and he doesn't feel like he isn't smart because it was hard, he knows he is smart because he worked to learn.

Music is another area where the growth mindset and proper praise have a wonderful effect. Not everyone is naturally musically talented, some of my boys are more musical than others but all of them are in piano lessons. At the beginning of the week the song is hard, they don't know how it goes. They have to take their time, figure it out, ask for help and put in the time to be able to play the piece. If they are never given a song they can't play they will never get better. I remember learning a song so hard I could only handle one measure at a time. That lesson has stayed with me in learning how to take things that seem impossible and break them down into manageable pieces.


So, praise just doesn't help your child know that you are proud of them and care for them but it teaches them they have the capability to do hard things and that their energy and efforts are valuable. As a parent why would we just give out praise randomly when we know the amazing effect it can have on our children. I want to take the effort to praise in a way that impacts them for good.

References

Dweck, C. (2017). The Science. Retrieved from mindset works: https://www.mindsetworks.com/science/



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